Friday, December 30, 2011

Hopeful and Heartfelt

I hope this post won't seem more negative than I intended. 
It is actually a lot more heartfelt than negative. Promise.

It's been quite the year. 
Full of ups and downs, losses and gains.
My goodness, 
I hope this next year will be a little calmer.

Just in this last year I have:

Moved cross country.
Got a divorce.
Met my current boyfriend Brad.
Found out I'm allergic to gluten,
dropped about 12 pounds.. and lost a lot of favorite foods.
Lost my best pal Mowgli,
Gained two new furry pals Wicket and Charlie.
Got a car, 
then lost the car (It's still broken)
Moved into my own tiny tiny apartment,
which flooded just a few weeks ago, 
resulting in many lost paintings.

And those are just the big things..
The little things add up too!

This year has seriously taught me the meaning of balance. 
That all things come and go.
Even the ones we love the very most.
Nothing is ever for certain....

And one time you are up, 
and the next moment you are down. 

Like a giant see-saw. 
And no one stays up for too long...

but we never stay down for too long either.

And I'm going to be completely honest with you right now... because this is my blog, and I'm allowed to do that.... I think this year has tried to kill me. I feel like I've been down for long enough. I feel like it's my turn to be on top. But I haven't felt that little rush of the see-saw going up in a very long time. Maybe this see-saw isn't the kind that goes up fast, and maybe it's a gradual climb.. but I just wish I could start to feel something. Because from what it seems..  the moment I start to get happy, something else terrible comes along. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to be happy! 
How's that for negativity? 
That's probably the most negative thing I've ever said on this blog. But the things is, I'm serious. 
I know I've had a lot of gains in all those losses. I don't fail to recognize the good in life, there always is some light behind the clouds... but to be honest, I'm tired of looking for that. I'm tired of being the one to stay positive and smile anyways. I'm sick of smiling and being happy when the world is crumbling. I'm sick of being positive through the negative... I'm just wanting to be positive through the positive for a while. But I guess we never get to make that choice.

And maybe next year won't be so rough. 
Maybe next year I won't have to be so tough.
But, like I've said before, 
we don't get years, or weeks.. 
We only get moments.

Life is hard guys.
And it's hard for everyone. Not just me..
Who knows why we go through what we go through.
Maybe it's to learn, maybe it's an opportunity to teach.
Maybe it's to appreciate the little glimpses and moments of happiness more. 

And now I say this, with tears in my eyes, and tissues on my lap,
because this was a hard post to write..

I hope this for everyone..
I hope next year is better.
I hope next year has more ups than downs.
I hope for more gains than losses...
And if we can't have that.. 
then I hope for more apparent reasons for the losses.

And now I say this, with an actual groan in my throat.. 
Uggghhh, you know what?
Even if next year plays out just like this year..
Even if next year is just as rough.
I promise to still be happy through it.
I promise to still find the light behind the clouds.
And I hope you will too.

And now I must end this post, because I ran out of tissues. 
But don't be worried about me. I really just needed to vent. 
I'm feeling better, and hopeful. 
And a little bad for being so negative. 
But I won't go back and delete, 
because honesty is the best policy.

Happy New Years Eve Eve..
Tomorrow is my classy, sparkly party.
And I'm going to send this year off with a bang.
And eat lots of black eyed peas for extra luck!


  1. Aaaah... I hope that your 2012 is a lot better! It sounds like 2011 was really difficult, but you've gotten through it now :) x

  2. no. this is not negative. it is hopeful. you are a light in is world! and continue to see the beauty that surrounds you even in the yuck that has happened this year. you do deserve a better year. and once you put that intention out there....i think the come back tenfold. love you sweet girl!!

  3. Awe - hugs to you Rachael! And many many blessings to you in this coming year ! May your cup overflow!

  4. and to clarify.....i think THIS is you putting your intentions into the world. you will shine! i just know it! xo

  5. Near new years eve I tend to be in this mood.
    It's time to realize what we had and what we lost. I don't really like this period of the year... But, like always, Rachael you give me good vibrations. Even when you're that negative (were you that negative?). I've just read a post full of negativity (apparently) but behind the clouds I see a lot (but a very lot) of sun!

    "honesty is the best policy."
    I could write it on every wall of every city... This is the best policy of living.

    Life gives and time takes.
    What about smiling for ever?
    It's not human, it's not in the human being.
    The greatest words come from people who know what the word "sorrow" means.
    It's hard to accept this but we grow only when we suffer. And so tears and tissues are good.
    They are full of Wisdom...
    This is the best wish I have for you for your 2012. A lot of Wisdom Rachael. And it doesn't mean I wish you a lot of tears. You cried enough in this 2011... But could Wisdom snow on you like light feathers without hurting you. I know you'll manage it in the best way it could be managed! You're beautiful.

  6. Love the raw honesty darling & here's to us all having a better year!

    My 2011 started off with a fall down my stairs, my niece & I were hit by a semi-truck & we're both still physically recovering from the injuries, my big sister lost her year long battle w/ cancer, and so much more.

    I am hanging onto hope that 2012 has better things in store, a big, bright silver lining for the cloud of 2011.

    Have a lovely party Rachael & cheers!

  7. Oh my goodness.. thank you so much for your sweet comments. I know I can always be honest on my blog, because I have the best blog friends!
    Chelle, I'm so sorry about your year.. I hope 2012 will be better for you! What a tough year.

  8. We all need to vent sometimes! it seriously always makes me feel better. You of all people deserve to be happy. i have been reading your blog for a while and have definately noticed how much stronger you've gotten. Hang in there. You'll be on top soon!

  9. Thanks Emily! I hope so! For you too!! :)

  10. 2011 has really been tough on a lot of people I know, me included! I hope that 2012 will be just the opposite for all of us!
    Happy New Year, dear friend! xxx

  11. rachel, this post is seriously amazing. i feel like you've taken the words right from my mind. this year has been exactly the same for me- and i'm sorry that you've suffered and been in pain too. but thank you for writing it, all we can do is hope- hope and be happy for every second that we can. don't ever apologise for sounding negative- life isn't always positive and you have to let it out. i really wish you so much happiness for next year. thank you, this post has meant a lot x

  12. Thanks so much Skye And Chrissy! I have a lot of hope for the new year!! xoxo

  13. Please don't feel you need to apologise for expressing how you feel. Next year will be better, I'm certain. I think the only thing I can add to what you've said is all the sadness you have felt this year is because you have a big heart and have let your self love. This brings sadness at times but its your sensitivity that makes you creative and caring and you. The most important thing is that you haven't let the sadness break you or stop you loving. xxx

  14. This year has been tough on you, but I have a feeling that things are going to get better. <3

  15. life IS hard. I have written this in my about me section "Life is hard. Don't let anyone tell you different."

    I am not complaining, because I am truly blessed, but there are those times when I am scurring trying to find something, ANYTHING, to make me remember why I am sticking it out, hanging in there, or flat out weathering the storm. Whether it's that perfect song, lunch with your boyfriend, or even a hobby that wisps you away into a wonderland when you do it, I think often that's the "light" we see behind those clouds.

    And sometimes, you gotta throw up your hands, say it sucked, and write "IT SUCKED" all over you blog. Being negative once in a while is just honest. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who pretends nothing bad ever happens, how boring! ;)

    Good luck in 2012. I think next year is going to be wonderful!

  16. This, even though it might have some negativity in it (but not that much), is so refreshing to hear! I feel like so many people in blogland are just out there to prove how cool/good/easy their life is. So nice to hear that someone else has bad times too, and that even though times are bad, they can keep on keepin' on just like the rest of us. I wish you all the best in 2012

  17. Cheers to that! Farewell Crappy 2011!
    I hope 2012 is A Lot better for You and Everyone!

  18. Hi Rachel. You need to vent, then you find out you are not alone. Your last year is my coming year, a divorce, the ending of a dream and and auction to sell it. Trying desperately to decide if I should follow a new business idea/dream that I have and how can I dovetail that into this strong urge I have to let the creative open back up in my life....and I would love for you to keep my blog on your radar... and I would love to learn how to make my blog make some income...any tips, ideas???
    Thanks for being there.

  19. As you said "Honesty is the best policy", and honesty is neither positive or negative, it just is. And the only way to know where you're going, as it were, is to know where you've been; and this post has truly allowed you to do that in a pragmatically cathartic way! Now, next year can only be as good as you make it, and you seem DETERMINED to make it the best! Best wishes and thank you for sharing these thoughts!

  20. I think you're totally right, that life is teaching us. It was actually this idea that lifted me out of depression. Life seriously blows sometimes, but how else can we learn? Where would we be if we hadn't gone through that rough patch and learned that lesson?
    I'm not trying to give you advice or anything, because sometimes that's the last thing you want when you're upset, I'm just agreeing with you. I hope you have a wonderful party and a hopeful new year!

  21. You are fantastic and this post is beautiful. Keep your chin up, things DO always get better. xoxo

  22. You should just join Suicide Girls. Make some extra cash. I wouldn't mind seeing you naked ; )

  23. Anonymous- If you knew anything about me or my blog, you would know I'm quite against things like that. I prefer to be a classy lady all the time. Classy and poor makes more sense to me, then slutty with some extra cash. :)

  24. You're so beautiful for writing something so open and honest like that! Keep your chin up girl I believe 2012 will be much better for you! You're an inspiration and I'm SO SO SO happy I found this lovable blog of yours! ;) Happy New Years Eve!

  25. Oh, girly. I know what you mean. The fact that you continue to turn negatives into positives.. it feels like you're just a positivity factory sometimes, and you wish you could just shut it down and enjoy the ride once in awhile, right? You deserve a peaceful, joyous ride. May this new year bring you many of those. You bring smiles to so many people (lots of whom you may not know or have never even met)! Just keep imagining what you WANT, and being grateful for what you LOVE, and that energy sent out there will come back to you in surprising ways, I promise! Much love to you!

  26. P.S. That anonymous comment came out of left field didn't it?? SHEESH!

  27. I hope your 2012 was better than 2011... Somehow i stumbled upon this blog after a 2012 that was half fantastic and beautiful and amazing and half disappointing and confusing and lonely. I keep trying think positively and hope for the best and believe that everything will turn out the way it should (and hopefully thats the way I would like it to). I try to think positively about the future no matter how it ends up while still remembering all the wonderful things about the past, but sometimes it is sooo hard. But it is nice to read your blog and see someone else who has had difficult times and still finds the best in things. its definitely encouragement.


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